Chapter
17
Reflections at the Sunset
At the sunset of my life, it seems
fitting to ponder the makeup of my life, the fulfillment or lack thereof of my
dreams, what has guided me even if only subconsciously, what I have learned or
think I have learned that is worth passing on, and whatever philosophy or
perspective I may have gained.
Aim High— Do not underestimate what you can accomplish. -- A major goal or philosophy of my life has been to
make the most of modest talents.
Academia seemed to best offer that possibility, and maximizing my
writing ability was an enduring goal.
Could I have done better? I don't
think it was from lack of trying, and perhaps this should be satisfaction
enough. But somehow it doesn’t seem to
be. If I had gotten into academia
sooner, and had more years to develop my writing, and particularly my
fiction-writing skills, maybe I would have achieved more. If I had pursued a career in medicine, would
I have made a bigger contribution?
Perhaps. But I’m not sure the
quality of life would have been as good.
The
business world offered few possibilities beyond providing income to have a
decent lifestyle for an uncertain future.
At one time working for large firms meant security, but in the last few
decades such assurances faded as firms downsized and merged and outsourced and
showed no loyalty or compassion to their employees. What has also bothered me about the world of
business has been the near universal selfishness that permeates it, with
admittedly a few exceptions. Is this
what I wanted with my life? I pondered
such in my early adult years, and decided it wasn't. This led me to pursue academics where perhaps
I could make a difference in guiding young minds, and writing articles and
books that might show better ways toward customer and employee relations, and
even environmental and community concerns.
I'm not sure my efforts in teaching and writing have had much
impact. But maybe they have, more than I
know.
The search for serenity and
tranquillity. -- Increasingly in my later years, I
have sought the peaceful life. This has
influenced my social life, my preferences for entertainment, my attitude toward
other people, my health, and my religion and approach to God. When I was younger, I never had such
concerns, and doubt many young people do.
At stake, however, is what should be the priorities in our lives as they
relate to our personal desired quality of life.
Entertainment preferences. -- I prefer soft music, such as the sweet ballads of my youth, and detest
rock and roll. I do like some classical
music, but others bore me. I have never
been a fan of opera, and still remember how I fell asleep in an opera I had
taken Dorothy to in our courting days when I was trying to impress her. An evening listening to an orchestra playing
unfamiliar music, and trying to sustain interest at the sight of the musicians
plying their talents, is mostly a bore.
So I guess I have developed little aptitude for culture. Even most stage plays leave me unimpressed,
and in my opinion compare poorly with the better movies.
Increasingly
as I have grown older I shun parties if I can avoid them—sometimes obligations compel attending, but I rarely
enjoy the noise and efforts to make conversation. A quiet evening at home with Dorothy, reading
a good book, watching TV, listening to good music, or trying to write, is more
to my liking and more conducive to the serenity and tranquillity I seek.
Attitudes toward other people. --
I try to be friendly and to look pleasant, i.e., no frowning or
scowling. (Sometimes with my golf game
that was not possible.) I believe I am a
humble man, tolerant, empathetic, rather patient, liking most people—all nice
traits. However, some people turn me
off, and I do my best to minimize contact with the loud voiced, the egocentric,
the arrogant, those who flaunt their wealth and station in life. Such people include many politicians,
entertainers and sports stars, the rich and famous, or those who think they
are. As I’ve gotten older, I know I
would not easily tolerate aggressive and domineering bosses. In academia I have been able to avoid such
situations since department chairmen and even deans and higher administrators
usually hold their positions with the consent of the faculty, and not in the
boss/subordinate relationship of government or the business world. If I had stayed in business, I surely would
have sought to be an entrepreneur.
Whether I would have been economically successful in this, with only
limited funds to invest, is uncertain.
The role
of God and religion. -- Both Dorothy
and I were raised as Roman Catholics, and reared our children in this
faith. We have been diligent
churchgoers, though I think Dorothy’s faith is stronger than mine. I seem to feel closer to God not in the
environment of ritual and humanity but in the quietness of peaceful
surroundings.
As one
grows older, awareness of the unknown lurking in the future has to occupy the
mind on occasion. Especially is this
true when one has health problems, or knows of close friends who have or who
have recently passed away—one’s mortality becomes more real.
I think not
to have faith in a just and compassionate God, in the gentle Jesus, and in the
resurrection of the body and life everlasting, would indeed make one’s twilight
years bleak and even despairing. So, I
often pray for a deeper and enduring faith.
I find comfort in realizing that even the atheist has faith—he has faith
that there is no God. Far better to have
faith that there is a God and hopefully a better life awaiting, where we will
join our departed loved ones. What
sustains me in this belief is that far wiser men than myself have firmly
believed this through the ages.
I have read
that we need to develop more closeness to God, that we should invite Him to
come into our hearts, even to walk with us.
I’m not sure many people are able to achieve this. I can remember only one instance when I
did. I had severely broken my shoulder
and was in the early stages of recovery, still having considerable pain and an
unknown rehab future. Unable to run, I
built myself up to walking miles on forested paths near home. As I walked through these peaceful
surroundings I kept inviting Jesus to come into my heart, to abide with me, to
walk with me. And suddenly one day I
felt an umbrella of comfort and serenity come over me, and I could imagine
myself walking in the embrace of the Lord.
Well, I’ve not been able to achieve this sense of closeness again, but I
suspect most people of faith do experience such comfort on their death
beds.
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